Asumen Regimen for Cardinal Sin
This is the historically well-documented “Asumen Regimen for the Condign Treatment of Cardinal Sin,” conceived by my grandfather, a first generation Asumen and refined to perfection by my father. Below are the essential elements of the treatment:
(1) Hang the subject by the toenails over a vat of freshly sliced Korean scallions spiked with the freshly squeezed juice of the acrid acerbic wild purplish philodendron;
(2) The hanging should be suspended to the rafters of a closed woven bamboo alcove covering a half-tunnel dug off of a hillside;
(3) The open end of the half-tunnel should be upstream of the prevailing wind;
(4) At the mouth of the tunnel should be maintained a slow-burning bonfire fueled with rain-soaked coconut husks ensuring that it emits a smoke as thick as molasses.
(5) The proceedings continue until the subject admits to the trespass and renounces the error of deed’s ways.
Any dispute respecting accuracy of the details stipulated herein should be forthrightly brought to the attention of the author, preferably as a blog-spot comment hereabouts. They all shall be welcome with gratitude.