Monday, October 6, 2014

Asumen Regimen for Cardinal Sin

Asumen Regimen for Cardinal Sin

This is the historically well-documented “Asumen Regimen for the Condign Treatment of Cardinal Sin,” conceived by my grandfather, a first generation Asumen and refined to perfection by my father.  Below are the essential elements of the treatment:

(1)        Hang the subject by the toenails over a vat of freshly sliced Korean scallions spiked with the freshly squeezed juice of the acrid acerbic wild purplish philodendron;

(2)        The hanging should be suspended to the rafters of a closed woven bamboo alcove covering a half-tunnel dug off of a hillside;

(3)        The open end of the half-tunnel should be upstream of the prevailing wind;

(4)        At the mouth of the tunnel should be maintained a slow-burning bonfire fueled with rain-soaked coconut husks ensuring that it emits a smoke as thick as molasses.


(5)        The proceedings continue until the subject admits to the trespass and renounces the error of deed’s ways.

Any dispute respecting accuracy of the details stipulated herein should be forthrightly brought to the attention of the author, preferably as a blog-spot comment hereabouts.  They all shall be welcome with gratitude.

4 comments:

  1. Ariel,
    You are certainly aware that the Asumens first became so named after they were dispossessed of prime real estate property in Calape, Bohol by the Spanish friars when the patriarch decided to move to Mindanao, changing the family name in the process to the now known "Asumen." Cf., ch 7 pp.107 ff at http://www.friesenpress.com/bookstore/title/119734000001612306/Constancio-Sulapas-Asumen-Flirting-with-Misadventures

    ReplyDelete
  2. There were codes of conduct and rules of behavior, mostly unspoken, definitely unwritten. We just learned to tell right from wrong by observing how our parents and older siblings conducted themselves.
    Both of my parents were stringent disciplinarians. Mother mainly dispensed verbal admonitions. Father sometimes meted out physical punishments. One of the most common forms was lashing with the leather belt or a rattan switch or a flexible twig freshly picked specifically for the occasion. Another was being put inside a stinky copra sack such that you were barely able to stand on tip toe at the sack bottom because of stitching constraints around your neck at the open end of the sack, and the sack suspended to the rafters until the subject mostly fell asleep from exhaustion.
    Any infraction which resulted in a physical punishment was what I dubbed a ‘capital offense.’ The physical punishment was preceded by a thorough conceptual discussion of the infraction to make sure that the subject understood and admitted the punishment was well deserved and commensurate with the crime.

    ReplyDelete
  3. There were codes of conduct and rules of behavior, mostly unspoken, definitely unwritten. We just learned to tell right from wrong by observing how our parents and older siblings conducted themselves.
    Both of my parents were stringent disciplinarians. Mother mainly dispensed verbal admonitions. Father sometimes meted out physical punishments. One of the most common forms was lashing with the leather belt or a rattan switch or a flexible twig freshly picked specifically for the occasion. Another was being put inside a stinky copra sack such that you were barely able to stand on tip toe at the sack bottom because of stitching constraints around your neck at the open end of the sack, and the sack suspended to the rafters until the subject mostly fell asleep from exhaustion.
    Any infraction which resulted in a physical punishment was what I dubbed a ‘capital offense.’ The physical punishment was preceded by a thorough conceptual discussion of the infraction to make sure that the subject understood and admitted the punishment was well deserved and commensurate with the crime.

    ReplyDelete